Doctor Who (1996)

Doctor Who (1996)

Rating: /5

Paul, the rest of the talent in this movie was beneath you.

In 1996 the original Doctor Who series had been off the air for seven years.  That is, until Universal, BBC Worldwide, and the (dreaded) Fox Network decided to re-launch the series in a pilot, made-for-tv movie, introducing Paul McGann as the Eighth Doctor.  It would be his only appearance, as ratings outside the UK were lackluster at best for a pilot network bigwigs hoped would catch on in the US and Canada.  So, it was curtains again for Doctor Who until March of 2005 and poor Paul McGann never really got a shot to shine as the Eighth Doctor (the only exhibition of his talents was in a flashy pilot episode with a lackluster script and otherwise abominable acting).  Readers, there’s no way around it, Fox royally fucked this one up.

"Hasta la vista baby. I am here to dumb this script down for you, average American viewers."

You have to feel bad for Paul McGann.  The poor guy gets the role of a lifetime and a bunch of executives at the Fox Network promptly crap the bed in their uncertainty about how to re-tool a smart, European television program for the average American, to whom they have been condescending for years (but, in Fox’s defense, the average American apparently laps it up — a sad commentary on my fellow countrymen).  Their solution was to thoroughly Americanize a British classic.  It’s the equivalent of slapping a spoiler and Dale Earnhardt stickers on a vintage Jaguar, or having the Queen get a boob job and a meth addiction (I won’t even look up “queen” and “boob job” in the Google machine, I don’t even want to know).  Enter Eric Roberts, motorcycle chase scenes, Yakuza gang wars, that one guy from Mad TV, and a veritable explosion of special effects designed to dazzle, amaze, and hide the fact that no one writing the script had any clue about things like continuity, teleplays, or what Doctor Who is all about.

The Master sure is -- OH FUCK ME, WHO THREW AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD BANANA???

Let’s take this in the order I’ve laid it out above, because I am lazy and, like electrical currents, take the path of least resistance.  So, Eric Roberts as the Master.  There may be an alternate universe where I would not be opposed to this, but it is not one filled with goatees and fencing Sulus (in other words, not A COMPLETELY BITCHIN’ ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, but one that is pretty boring, like being a certified accountant, or watching your local public access station).  The fact is, even though Roberts is hella good at chewing scenery (the man is a great white shark of a scenery chewer), and that this is a pretty good ability to have when playing the Master, the Network hacks (I have to assume it was the fault of rich, out of touch, old, white dudes) decided that rather than be a Time Lord like the Doctor, he would instead be a pseudo-Terminator who can turn into a snake and spit venom (as well as cheesy, action-y lines) on everyone.  (Ok, so he is still a Time Lord in this movie, but he’s not really how any person familiar with the Who myhtos would picture a Time Lord of any stripe.)  In his defense, Roberts hardly mailed it in, but his character was written as a tawdry conglomeration of popular American villains/anti-heroes of the era (part Terminator 2 villain, part Stallone from Cobra).

Call Baker and Ponch, the Doctor needs back up.

The script is also full of action sequences that seem pretty out of place in the Who universe.  This isn’t to say Doctor Who is devoid of action, its just the particular brand of action used.  For one, there is a motorcycle chase that is more James Bond than the Doctor.  But it actually begins right off the bat (ok, well in reality after a really forced narration by McGann full of confusing exposition dealing with the Doctor/Master Mythos) when the Seventh Doctor (Sylvester McCoy guest starring for his final moments as the Doctor) is killed in a shoot out between Yakuza thugs in a San Fransisco alley.  It’s a bit like a cold opening from Miami Vice (though sadly lacking Don Johnson, who, I shit you not, probably would’ve made this who experience at least more interesting).  One episode of ER/St. Elsewhere later, the Seventh Doctor is dead and a confusing regeneration sequence follows with that one guy from SNL thinking the Doctor is Jesus (ok, this got me to chuckle, touche movie) before more weird canon/not-at-all-canon is presented in an awkward fashion sure to overwhelm  and alienate everyone, including die-hard Who fans.

One of the not-so-good parts about having a king's ransom in effects money.

Especially the bit about the Doctor being half-human.  Why this was included is baffling, completely baffling.  It’s a bit like the midichlorians Lucas randomly confused the hell out of everyone with the Star Wars prequels.  Not at all canon, in case you were wondering.  No, not even close.  This is coupled with an appallingly confusing introduction of the Eye of Harmony, which would confuse any sane human being.  If you understood it as this movie presented it, you are either to be commended or committed.  So, pretty much every confusing element of the Who myhtos is shoved down the audience’s throats in an hour and twenty-five minute TV pilot, which appears to have been written by people who had a limited (or delusional) conception of said mythos, and who were determined to write an action-y script devoid of smart TV when in order to explain said myhtos, some smart TV is called for (neigh, indeed it is necessary).  As any sane person would expect, this doesn’t really work.

Alright, that's kinda bitchin.

But what really bothered me about the whole affair are the glimmers of promise in it (glimmers which must have tormented and tantalized jonesing Who fans at the time).  Nevermind that the inside of the TARDIS looked a bit like if your grandma’s house was repurposed for a Meatloaf video, or that the American bimbo they found to be the companion was grating on the senses.  The pilot did have some things going for it.  I for one thought McGann had all the intangibles there to be a decent Doctor (if given the time).  Indeed, I found his performance similar to the spirit of Tennant and Smith of the 2005 series.  The occasional bone thrown to past Doctors (especially the jelly babies and a brief glimpse of Scarf Doctor’s scarf) was a nice touch.  And the special effects were generally pretty good, fantastic by Who standards.   But inescapable is the fact that McGann and some glitz couldn’t make this movie a good Doctor Who adventure.  The plot is too convoluted and riddled with continuity issues.  The Master is too, well, American.  And call me a purist, but plopping the Doctor down in the United States for a series was a bit jarring.  In all, it was a lot of smoke, a lot of mirrors, with a few (but not enough) genuinely good bits thrown into the mix.  I suppose, then, that the character of the film was a bit like the Master himself: deceptive, with a splash of showmanship.

FLASH! PIZZAZ! BIGGERBETTERLARGERAMERICAAAAA!