Starring(?) Reb Brown

Can anything really be said to “star” Reb Brown?  Isn’t that a bit like saying your MLB team “stars” Steve Balboni? (But, I suppose the Kansas City Royals are a bit like the TV movie of the MLB.  Though, as you can see, he spent some time musing about his record strike outs while on the NY Yankees.)

Reb Brown, like “Bye Bye”, is one of those guys who can only do one thing well and at the utter and total expense of nearly every other aspect of his career.  Reb’s one skill?  He can smack the unintelligent meat head role right out of the park.  As for other aspects of his acting, let’s just say they are as impressive as a .229 career batting average.  This  much is apparent if you’ve seen Space Mutiny, where Reb’s greatest achievement is getting to third base with some octogenarian woman with a fondness for tutus and Santa for a father.  He probably went in head first, like Pete Rose:

The point of all this being: 1) baseball metaphors quickly become tiring and 2) everything Reb Brown has ever done has been complete shit.  However, Reb has performed consistently well in one category throughout: he’s been a big, hulking pile of gristle that, on occasion, can over-emote and will probably hit on your grandma.  His casting as Cap is both baffling and oddly appropriate at the same time because, let’s face it, Cap is a bit like Reb Brown.  He’s a meat head and, to be quite frank, more than a little two-dimensional (a perfect fit for Reb’s only skills: over-emoting and flexing his thighs), but, at the same time, he is absolutely unconvincing as a superhero.  Could he play the part of some guy who likes to wear too-tight graphic tees?  Absolutely.  Someone whom villains are afraid of?  Probably not, unless said villain’s weakness is frat boy behavior  or male camel toe.  Which brings me to my Friday night, where I’m slogging through this 1979 TV movie which is everything you’d expect of a late-70′s TV movie with below-average acting and a contrived, but ultimately boring plot.  (The 70′s were big on contrived but ultimately boring, especially if it involved a highly improbable conspiracy theory.)   I’ll save the rest of my thoughts for a review, but I’ll leave you with another image of the Steve Balboni of the acting world, Reb Brown:

Cherish it.  I’ll be back soon with a review.

What??? No Reb Brown Action Figures?

It’s a travesty friends.  There is simply no sign that a Reb Brown version of the Cap was ever marketed to children as a toy (possibly because of his ever-present bulge).  Sure, 1979 saw some Cap merchandise, but most of it either looks nothing like Big McLargehuge, or is clearly beyond a crappy TV movie’s budget.  Take, for example, Corgi’s 1979 die cast release of Cap’s Jetmobile:

And for a cool “too-goddamn-much-money” this eagle-inspired…thing, can be all yours!  But if you have simpler yearnings, there’s always the 1979 action figure which, shamefully, bears no resemblance to a man with a slab of tenderized beef for a face:

(Image: Ghosts of eBay.)  Of course, that actually costs even more money.  Still, like Reb, he kinda looks like a dweeb.  So maybe the ’79 movie had some influence.  Anywho, this last one is probably the best.  While it doesn’t look the Reb Brown, it looks like his style.  You know Reb was rolling with one of these on the set:

Not sure why the Captain’s mask has modernized Mikey Mouse ears…or are those handcuffs?  Probably handcuffs.  All I know is, Reb Brown probably didn’t get a watch that cool, or a very cool belt buckle.  But an elaborate decoder system to foil the rent-a-cops at the local power plant?  Most def Reb was rocking that.  A pretty nice bundle of Cap swag.

Still, too bad there is no Reb-specific swag.  If anyone knows of any, let me know so I can chuckle about it.  More Reb on Friday (if I can find something Reb-tastic), otherwise he’ll be back this weekend with the first of two Cap films!

Hot, nasty speed (courtesy of Reb Brown)

When you think blistering speed, you probably think (as I do) of Reb Brown–legend, myth, human pile of beef with a beard.  Just so you know, back in ’79 people saw the side of Reb Brown we take for granted these days (namely his backside, plopped on a cherrried out dirt bike) when he rode the land beating up bad guys and making women spontaneously pregnant from the sheer, raw sexual energy of his speedy  machismo.  Don’t believe me?  Watch that motorcycle chase above and lose all doubt.  Also keep an eye out for when he flips the switch on his bike from “standard” to “silent,” which is basically the same as going from “being willfully loud in order to appear badass” to “oh shit, i actually have to do something useful now.”  Classic Reb.

More Reb Brown tomorrow.  He’ll probably flip the switch on his pants from “bulge” to “silent.”

IMDB Endorsements – ATRAGON! Edition

(Photo Credit: http://www.classicvintage.com";)

As I gear up for 1963′s Atragon (apparently also known as “the JUGGERNAUT of Destruction” Beyotch!), I have undertaken my usual pre-watch preparations: reading the IMDB reviews.  I usually find this to be an enlightening exercise, especially those reviews from people who don’t normally watch obscure, b-grade, older, or films made on a non-existant budget.  Their confusion, horror, and outright disbelief is often amusing–especially when the movie itself isn’t really that bad (at least by my ever-dropping standards of badness). 

Atragon, however, has a pretty kind batch of reviewers, with only one truly disappointed individual among them (and even they are an admitted Toho fan otherwise).  No all-caps freak outs to be found among this lot. 

I was already excited for Atragon before reading a certain Mr. Michael A. Martinez’s review, which proudly proclaims Atragon as “nearly the raddest movie ever,” which is a bit like hedging your bets in case there is an even radder movie somewhere out there that maybe you haven’t seen yet.  Mr. Martinez does call it out on its pacing (surprise!), which, presumably, made it slightly less rad.  Either way, I am still excited to get my near-fatal dose of rad-ness this Saturday. 

Hopefully everyone is having a great Friday.  Remember its Record Store Day tomorrow, so visit your local shop (if that is your thing). SUPER SUB ATRAGON!

B-Movie Snapshot

This is what happens when normal-sized gigantic bunnies get into your doll house.  Of course, before this happens, they’ll have already mauled you beyond recognition.  Thankfully DeForest Kelly, aka Doctor McCoy, is there to help you.  You will help, Bones, won’t you? ~from Night of the Lepus (1972)